When I was in Elementary School, my mama sent lunch money with me in the tiny bags that came around her packs of cigarettes. She'd give me forty cents a day, and sometimes a little extra for ice cream. One day I remember the lunch ladies asking me, "where does your mom find these little bags? They're so handy!" And I remember blushing when I said they were from Doral Full Flavor 100's - probably from feeling proud and embarrassed all at once.

I think it's so fitting that now - now that I'm getting ready to leave for college - she's sending all my things with me in boxes she took from behind her favorite bingo parlor. She's still as resourceful as ever. Plus it means a lot that even when she's dealing with her favorite things, she still looks for ways to make me happy. What a gal, that mama of mine!

"Many feel that the study of human memory is the closest one can get to a systematic study of the human soul." -Gabriel Radvansky

Tonight is so lonely and rainy and stormy and dreary and lovely. It's actually 5:55 AM right now, but it's still dark, so I'll still say tonight. I'm happy because one of my favorite things in the world is the beginning of a rainy day. What makes it even better is knowing that I don't have to leave the house. I can open my curtains and stay under the covers and read all day long!

Earlier today I fell asleep and had a dream about Austin. His mama brought him into a place I was working at, and she put him down and let him run to me. I knew immediately the baby wasn't Austin, though. This baby was only a little over two years old, and I knew Austin had to be older by now. I kept telling them, "this baby isn't Austin, stop trying to trick me. Austin is five now. He's starting kindergarten. This is not my Austin, so where is he?" And then she took the baby back.

When I woke up, all I wanted was to see the real Austin again. I miss him so much. I can't believe he's really started school now. He probably has a little backpack and light-up sneakers and toy dinosaurs he keeps in his pockets. His mama probably gets to pack him snacks every day. She gets to hear his little voice talk about everything that happens. I hope she always knows how lucky she is to have such a wonderful baby.

I can't sleep.

So I'm going to do a 30 day song challenge all in one night. Or at least until I get sleepy. Pretty impressive, huh?

Day 01 - Your favorite song

The Geese of Beverly Road by The National. It's the most perfect song I've ever heard, and I never get tired of hearing it. Matt Berninger talks about Beverly Road in an interview: "It's a beautiful neighborhood that feels more like Savannah, Georgia than Brooklyn. The houses are all free-standing with nice yards and wrap-around porches. I was sitting outside one night watching a bunch of kids running up and down Beverly setting off car alarms. The song is theirs." I know there are a ton of different interpretations as to what the song really means (Micah says it will always be about marriage to him), but Berninger's explanation has always been enough for me.

Day 02 - Your least favorite song

There aren't really many songs that I particularly go out of my way to hate, but I suppose I'll have to go with Getting Ready For Christmas Day by Paul Simon. Don't get me wrong, I adore Paul Simon, but this song drives me crazy, and for no good reason, really. I think those voices in the background sort of ruin it for me.

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

Good Intentions Paving Company by Joanna Newsom. When I first heard this song, it really reminded me of Charlie Brown for some reason. It was also in the middle of Summer on a sunny day in Baby Blue. Micah and I were driving to Winston-Salem and we had gotten to our exit and Micah said, "see, listen to that little banjo part," and I've been in love with it ever since. Not to mention the fact that the song is just precious in general. "How I said to you, 'honey, just open your heart,' when I've got trouble even opening a honey jar."

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad

Call Me on Your Way Back Home by Ryan Adams. I don't know what it is about this song, but it destroys my soul more than any other song ever. And that harmonica part, oh gosh.

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

Sleeper 1972 by Manchester Orchestra has always reminded me of my nanny. I remember listening to it over and over again after she died because certain lines were just so fitting and perfect. This verse in particular: "I still see you/ inside of this god awful house. / You move awfully quiet now./ And I still feel you everywhere." My nanny always had a walker she'd clomp around our house in, and I still listened for it a long time after she died.

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere

My Girl by The Temptations will always remind me of New York City. When my school visited I remember all of us walking through the city singing that together, only some of us replaced "my girl" with "my school." My Girl makes me miss my little Early College so much.

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

Cardinal Song by The National always reminds me of the time I saw them live and they played this song. When they sang the line "Jesus Christ, you have confused me - cornered, wasted, blessed and used me," I looked out into the crowd from my little seat and everyone had their hands in the air singing along as if they were in church. I remember feeling like a part of a religious community for the first time in a long time - only it was a very confused and conflicted religious community (one that I'd actually feel at home in).

Day 08 - A song you know all the words to

A song I know all the words to? Hm. I know all the words to a lot of songs, but my favorite song to sing along to is Kanye West's Power.

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to

I can't dance, y'all!

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

Well, if any songs made me fall asleep I probably wouldn't be doing this right now. I'd just listen to that song and then BAM, out like a light. But no. I feel like I can't leave two blank, though - my one cop out was the dancing song. So, let's see. I think I've fallen asleep listening to Cosmia by Joanna Newsom a few times. Not because it's boring, though. It's just dreamy and peaceful. "I couldn't keep the night from coming in."

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

My favorite band is the National, and I've already put two songs by them on this list. So, we're going to go with my favorite nostalgic band, mewithoutYou! Here's the song that made me fall in love with them back in the day, Nice and Blue pt. 2. "All or what little joy in the world /
seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine."

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

What's with all the negativity?!

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

I have a whole entire guilty pleasures playlist that contains almost 100 songs, so I'm extremely guilty. My current favorite, though, is All I Have by Jennifer Lopez. Party because it's catchy, partly for nostalgia, partly because it's so fun to sing along to.

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

Tonight The Stars Speak by The Glorious Unseen. I suppose nobody would expect me to love this song because it's a worship song, and I'm not particularly religious. But if any song could make me want to worship anyone, it's this one. I also love it because it reminds me of Taking Back the Streets and sitting out in a field under the stars with this band and a whole slew of super wonderful people. Also, this is the one song I remember The Glorious Unseen playing live, and I miss that night (and era) so much.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Pimpin' All Over the World. The video explains why!

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

Basically any song by Neutral Milk Hotel. In The Aeroplane Over the Sea is the one I'm most sick of. It's my fault for overplaying it, though.

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

The one I've heard the most lately is Rollin in the Deep by Adele.

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

For some reason when I read this, the song Contact High by Architecture in Helsinki came to mind first. I suppose it's because this song is so catchy and unlike typical Architecture in Helsinki, accessible. But still so good!

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

There's already a song from my favorite album on here [Aligator], so I'm going to put one from my favorite EP. Sufjan Steven's Heirloom.

Day 20 - A song you listen to when you’re angry

La Dispute will always be my official "pissed off at the world" band, especially when my reasons for being mad are relationship-related. Here's Andria. "I felt my anger swelling / I swam into its sea."

Day 21 - A song you listen to when you’re happy

The Gardner or really any song by The Tallest Man on Earth. And he automatically makes everything happier.

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

The song I listen to most when I'm sad is no doubt A Song For a Lover of Long Ago by Justin Vernon. I love the rawness and the honesty and the lyrics. It's so perfect for those really late, rainy, gloomy nights. And when Justin Vernon's voice breaks at the end it kills me.

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

In tenth grade I told Hallie I wanted Radios in Heaven played at my funeral. Even though that's not true anymore, she'd kill me if I didn't put that. Plus I don't even want to die, much less have a song picked out for when it happens!

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by the Proclaimers. It's just so cute.

Day 26 - A song you can play on an instrument

In elementary school I could never quite figure out how to read music, so I sat in music class and watched as all my piers learned Beethoven on their recorders. I learned how to play the very first song in our book, Peace Must Be Our Goal, because it had letters instead of music notes. That's the only song I've ever known how to play on an instrument.

Day 27 - A song you wish you could play

Patti Smith's cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit always makes me so sad that I never learned how to play my banjo.

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

Another song by The National, imagine that! The song Val Jester made me feel guilty for a little while after my nanny died, mostly because of the lines "you should've looked after her better" and "take your time when you tell her how she lives in your blood." I should've done both of those things, "cause one day when she goes, she's gone."

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

This song, Baby Write this Down by George Strait, is the first favorite song I ever remember having. I used to scream when the music video came on CMT, and I wanted to be one of those people in the audience holding a sign up so badly. I would've been seven then.

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year

Hm, favorite song last August. Probably Days Like This by Van Morrison. I was going through a major Van Morrison phase, and that was the song that hooked me.

Why I should not freak out about going to college:

• I'll only be 30 minutes from home.
• I'll be living with my best friend.
• Doc always says, "if you get accepted to [INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE], you can pass classes at [INSERT THAT SAME SCHOOL NAME HERE]."
• I'm going to get everything done.
• I have a job already.
• I've always heard that teachers at Salem really do care about their students.
• I was lucky enough to have four wonderful teachers at Surry who never babied us or treated us like "Community College kids," and I'm sure I'm actually ready thanks to them.
• My family has faith in me.
• Hallie has faith in me.
• We're going to somehow pass Spanish together.
• I don't have to take anymore math classes after Statistics.
• No more Trig. No more Pre-Calc. No more Trig wheels. No more Sin/Cos. No more math tutoring.
• I'll be at school all the time, so I'll be less lazy (hopefully).
• Hallie and I have a calendar to write important things down on, and we won't forget about them.
• I won't have to wake up at 7 AM to be at class on time.
• I did fine at the Early College.
• I'm going to love everything I'm studying.
• I'm not going to write all my papers the night before like I always have (yeah right).
• Brewnerds.
• I'm going to stop being loony right after I post this.
• It's gonna be fine.
• It's gonna be fine.
• It's gonna be fine.

I'm not sure why, but Autumn and Winter always seem to be the craftiest/bakiest seasons of the year. I'm so happy they'll be here shortly.

On Memory and Flooded Kitchens

One day, gathered around a table decorated with dishes of potatoes,

our grandchildren’s names will leave us

and we will hunt wildly for them within the wearied old well of our minds.

Their beginning letters will sink to the bottom, and every name

will become a face - a he, a she,

A lazy, giggly tader-head over there.

We’ll forget other things, too:

to turn right by the white house,

to make sure the old dog gets fed,

to turn off the spicket in the sink.

Our kitchen will flood, and we’ll ask our old minds what to do

and finding an answer will be like finding the cards

we thought we bought for birthdays passed but never did.

Our grandkids will ponder where to keep us, and we will ask who they are;

they will ask who we are,

and we won’t know, and they won’t know, either.

Then, one day, gathered around a table with dishes of potatoes,

all we know will leave us.
All the answers in our wearied old minds

will be next to the cards

with the beginning letters of our grand children’s names,

beneath the dog food and the spicket

at the very bottom of the well.

Oh, and on a slightly less optimistic note, I absolutely hate when things happen that challenge the decently-sized amount of faith I have in the human race.

Things that are Nice

(that I've been thankful for lately):

• Cats. I've been re-reading William S. Burrough's book The Cat Inside today, and I just don't get how anyone could hate cats. It's such a wonderful feeling when a generally misanthropic cat (Arthur) attaches himself to you and follows you everywhere. It's equally wonderful when a little white cat (Mary) runs to the door whenever it's time to check the mail because she loves walking with you to check it. It's even kind of cute when your only true boy cat (Paul) goes through an "I'm tough and I hate my mama" phase and won't let you hold him anymore.
• Being sick. Even though it sucks and I've felt horrible these past few days, it's so comforting to think I'll be less likely to get sick this winter. Because really, what's worse than being sick in the middle of February when it's freezing out and you just want to lay in bed all day, but you can't because you have to go sit in a class where you sniffle obnoxiously the whole time?
• That little piano part in Bruce Springsteen's "The River."
• Cube Crash. I feel like a complete loon for saying this, but seriously, that game is so calming. Who knew that trying to align squares of the same color could prevent so many potential anxiety attacks?
• The fact that nobody really reads this blog. Looking back on some older posts, man, there's some pretty embarrassing stuff.
• The book Proust Was a Neuroscientist by Jonah Lehrer. I honestly didn't have high hopes for this book, mostly because of some bad reviews I've read, but gosh I love it so far. As someone who can never fully commit to any one mindset (a scientific one or an imaginative one), it's nice to see them merged so tastefully and intelligently. Maybe Marcel Proust wasn't actually a Neuroscientist, but he (along with all the other artists in the book) sure did know a heck of a lot about the human condition. And I think that's the most important thing to take from the book: science and art don't have to be separate. "Science is seen through the optic of art, and art is interpreted in the light of science. The experiment and the poem complete each other. The mind is made whole."
• My mama. She goes out of her way to make my life better so often. Whether it's spraying ant killer in my room for me, trying to cook the foods I like from Taco Bell at home, or trying super hard to find me a bookbag I like, that gal is always cookin' up something. She once wrote in a card to me that she just wanted me to be happy, and I'll never believe that coming from anyone else as much as I believe it coming from her. What a lady.
• Books. I think I love them an irrational amount. Earlier I put all of them in one pile, and it was so nice just to be completely surrounded by them. I've probably only read about 25% of the books I own, but that doesn't make them any less wonderful. All I kept thinking earlier is how happy I would be if all my walls were bookshelves and there was nothing in my room but a little bed to nap and read on.
• Hallie. Let me tell you a few things I love about my best friend. Sometimes she bursts out laughing at the most random things in the world, things you'd never even expect her (or anyone else) to laugh at, and it's great. It's contagious, too. She's also a darn good cheerer-upper, and she's letting us have a brown rug in our dorm. I love knowing that I'm lucky enough to be best friends with my favorite feminist ever, the most precious future librarian, and one of the smartest gals I've ever met. She's a firm believer in letting people "have their moments," and she deserves to have her own moments so much more. She's never stopped believing in me, and I'm so thankful she believed in me enough to let me copy her homework back when I was a lazy little thing. Not to mention how unorganized the Young Dems would be without her and her Leslie Knope attitude/emails. We have the strangest collective life, but it's also the most fun, most silly, and most ridiculously lovely collective life there ever was. At least to me.
• Finally having enough motivation to start packing for college. It feels great to be almost ready, to have almost everything. Minus some some scissors, three books, and some magnet-making supplies at least.

Ranting

I love my mama. I really do. It's amazing what she's able to endure - physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's the most selfless lady; she's smart; she's funny; she's lovely. She's just wonderful.

But good lord, she can drive a daughter crazy. Sometimes it's like she destroys her health just because she can, just because she knows it's hers to destroy. I keep watching her fall apart more and more, and people keep saying, "why don't you do something - just cut back on your smoking? just change your diet a little." But she never does, and she never will.

Why doesn't she want to get better?

There's currently a huge pile of used tissues on my bed beside me right now (yeah, gross, I know), and that basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. And by lately I mean the past two days. But goodness, y'all, they've dragged on and on and on and on.