Things my parents taught me

A
As are to be preferred. They earn $5.00 each at report card time, whereas Bs only earn $3.00, and anything less earns nothing - not even pocket change. Fs cancel out all the other grades, so one F means you get no money at all, even if every other grade is an A or a B.

B
Be careful with your money once you get it, even if you do get it for making As. Don't let it fall out of your pockets when you go to ball games and skating rinks; don't spend it all on candy and nail polish. You never know when you might need it for something more important, like a broken computer or a surprise concert where tickets cost two report cards full of As.

C
Cats are nothing but giant rats who have no business living inside of houses with people.
Cats are the third best animal in the world, just below dogs (first place) and humans (second place).

D
Dorals cost $30.00 a carton, so if you smoke two cartons a week, it costs $60.00 a week to pave your lungs black with tar. Don't let yourself become addicted to silly things, like nicotine and bingo-playing.

E
Eat before you go grocery shopping.

F
Fun doesn't necessarily mean amusement parks and trips to Toys 'R' Us. It can be yardsales early in the morning with bags of Barbie clothes for sale; it can be twenty-five cent doll clothing that used to belong to a real baby; it can be a homemade waterslide in the backyard, one made with old blue tarp and a snake-like water hose.

G
Gravely makes the best lawnmowers, followed by John Deere, and then Cub Cadet.

H
If there is a Heaven, only people who are never mean to animals will be there.

I
Icicles hanging from the roof of a porch can be broken off and eaten like a rain-flavored popsicle, and snowballs can be saved in the back of the freezer, just so long as there's room for them amongst all the frozen burgers and vegetables.


J
Jessica is a name that doesn't fit in with a family full of daughters with T names. Tina, Tanya, Tracy, and Jessica.

K
Kites aren't for those who are messy and often find themselves tangled up in enough trouble as it is. Some people just aren't kite people.

L
Love can be existent without being spoken of for years and years. Love is a thing some people don't like to talk about. And some people don't show it through hugs and kisses and presents. Instead, they show it through meals and working and building.

And some people show love by letting the extra stray dog stay on the porch instead of taking him to the pound or shooting him out in the woods.

M
Markings on the backs of plates and teacups and butter dishes can tell you how old they are, whether they're antiques or reproductions, and how much money one can sell them for in a little downtown antique shop. There are entire books about these markings, they're so important.

N
Never go to the circus; they're mean to animals there. Never leave messes behind; always clean up behind yourself. Never be a burden to anyone. Never let people buy you things. Never ask people for things. Never ask for help unless you absolutely need it. Never cause a scene in public. Never disrespect your father. Never say words like "lesbian" in front of your grandmother. Never disagree with your grandfather when he tries to talk about politics. Never refuse to let things go. Never forget to wear sunscreen, even when it's cloudy outside and you're under water. Never feel like you're too old for something you love; if you want to take your dolls with you to college, do it.

O
Oceans are not good places to leave a kid alone for three weeks.

P
Practice is most important - not genetics or intelligence or being gifted. Practice, practice, practice.

Q
Quiet is good: a quiet home in the woods where there's not much traffic, a quiet place to read, the quietness of the telephone when it isn't always ringing.

R
Make sure your children are ready to get rid of their Barbies before you donate them to Goodwill.

S
Sometimes it's okay to splurge and spend a little extra money on something, like guitars or hardwood floors or name-brand cheese, if you can afford it and it makes you happy. But only sometimes.

T
Televisions are for cartoons every Saturday morning: Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig and Daffy Duck. They're for Wheel of Fortune in the evenings and for Lifetime movies late at night, after everyone else has gone to bed.

U
Unzipping your coats and jackets and leaving them by the front door for someone to trip over isn't a nice thing to do.

V
Violins are good. Violins and banjos and guitars and fiddles - all moving quickly enough for dancing.

W
Weekends are for renting scary movies and watching them together in the dark, in the living room.

X
XXX stores are bad, especially the one up on a hill in Bluefield, West Virginia. Never ask your father if you can go, even if you're five and the sign says "Adult Toy Store."

Y
"Yes" is a word children should hardly ever hear.
"Yes" is a word children should hear as often as possible.

Z
Zodiac signs are for real. Or, at the very least, fun.