Lovely things about this winter

I feel like getting through every winter is a struggle. I hate knowing that I can't walk outside without feeling like I'm going to crumble and break in half from how cold and windy it is. I hate how I feel I'm never warm, no matter how many huge jackets I wear. I hate that I feel the need to run all the places I need to get to just because it means I'll be inside quicker. I hate how going anywhere seems like such a daunting and miserable task.

I like being able to walk outside barefooted, and I love the feeling of walking from an overly air-conditioned building and into the heat. (Somehow it's different than walking into a heated building in winter; I need the sun.) I love how hot asphalt is in the summer. I love picking berries in my yard and spending time on my front porch. I love the laziness of summer, how it slows everyone down, and how it gets chilly again at night so you can still wear sweaters. I love how the city is always hotter, and how you have to wear as little clothing as possible to not feel miserable. I LOVE warmth. I need it to be happy, and to even just feel okay. And not artificial warmth, either. I need the sun.

I'm trying to be more positive, though.  Even though the good moments were surrounded by coldness and probably by my silly brain shit, there were definitely some not-miserable moments. I got an email from my favorite professor, for example, that will always mean the most to me. I joined a roller derby team. I got to see one of my favorite musicians play a beautiful christmas show with my mom, which involved singing christmas carols with some lovely strangers and seeing him perform "Sister Winter," a song that pretty much sums up my wintry experiences every year. I got to spend christmas with my family.

My mom also got her very last hepatitis C shot, which is really good for her. She's starting to gain back the weight she lost, enjoy food again, and just feel better in general. Hopefully the hepatitis will stay out of her blood for good, but it was an experimental drug, so there's not much certainty at this point. But for now, things are okay, and I'm glad and hopeful.

It also snowed on my campus, and I walked through it alone in the middle of the night with the stupidest smile. I made a snow cat and hit people with snow balls. My loneliness didn't matter anymore because everything - the bike racks, the buildings, the sidewalks - was covered with snow, and everyone was outside playing in it. I would have died for that when I was little and spent hours outside playing in the snow by myself.

In January and February I spent the night at my best friend's dorm and saw the Vagina Monologues, and I remembered how much I love the people who go to Salem. I went to the Idiot Box,  had vegetarian "steak," and visited a bunch of cute shops downtown with another lovely person. I was reunited with my other best friend after an unbelievable year and a half of not seeing each other. I got to fly, which is something I always want to do. I got to spend time in different airports, go to places beyond North Carolina, and spend way too much money on airport food and drinks. I got to have homemade spaghetti and drink wine with a bunch of kind people I immediately liked. I got to have a relaxing weekend where I escaped from all the usual things that stress me out.

I know it's new right now, and my opinion might change, but I also started to work in a lab I really, really like. I like the people I work with, my bosses, and the grad students I get to help. I'm honestly not that passionate about the research we're doing, but the overall "theme" (social and emotional development in children) aligns pretty well with what I want to study in graduate school (I just want to focus more on gender socialization). Working with data is just a surprisingly relaxing experience here, in a way it wasn't when I worked in the neuroscience lab. I'm happy here and will hopefully stay in this lab until I graduate.

Music helps a lot, too. Bowerbirds' album "The Clearing" is absolutely perfect for cold and miserable winter days. It has lyrics like, "on and on goes the long winter," but is ultimately hopeful as well - particularly in the song, "Overcome with Light." That's how I'm feeling right now. Winter still has a month or so left in it, and I'm going to make it through. And then it'll be spring, and my soul and body will feel warm again, and I can be the person I need to be for myself and others. It will be a fresh start.
Things will be okay, things will be okay, things will be okay.

"No good times, no bad times,
There's no times at all,
Just The New York Times,
Sitting on the windowsill
 Near the flowers.

We might as well be apart.
It hardly matters,
We sleep separately.

And drop a smile passing in the hall
But there's no laughs left
'Cause we laughed them all.
And we laughed them all
In a very short time.

Time
Is tapping on my forehead,
Hanging from my mirror,
Rattling the teacups,
And I wonder,
How long can I delay?
We're just a habit
Like saccharin.

And I'm habitually feelin' kinda blue.

But each time I try on
The thought of leaving you,
I stop.
I stop and think it over."

-Simon & Garfunkel, "Overs"